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Thursday, April 14, 2011

In Which: I talk about relationship fear

As mentioned in my last post, I'm dating an amazing man.  And most days- I thank God that I am with him.  He truly astounds.  But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't afraid of some things- that some days seem really BIG and other days seem ridiculous to consider...

1.  My guy is 9 years older than I am
This is the one that probably messes with my mind the most.  I mostly- because he will hit 40 before I do, and possibly before we have kids.  Why should this matter?  Well on days that it's a BIG Fraking deal, it matters because in my mind, I can't get over the idea that one of us could be starting our family when we're in our 40's. It means when our kids graduate college- he'll be in his 60's.  That is just a scary thought.  But other days- I tell myself to stop freaking out.  After all, just because he's older doesn't me we'll be the first couple to have kids later in life.  And plenty of kids are making it just fine.

2. I make more than my guy
Again- this is one of those things that on a logical and sane day should not be a BIG deal.  I've always plotted my life to be sustainable simply through my paycheck.  What I mean, is that I never had any plans to rely on a guy for the things I want in life. And in theory, he doesn't have a problem with it either.  So why do I get hung up on this?  Because right now- money is freaking tight for me, as is, but it works since I'm living at home.  I think it's freaking me out because right now- I couldn't support myself if I paid rent.  Hence- the freak out.

3.  I'm too much of a free spirit for my guy
This one I have no logical counter arguments for.  I'm definitely more open minded and socially unconstrained than he is.  He's been really great so far about trying the new things I present him with. In fact Saturday (in honor of my Birthday) he's taking me to the symphony- which is awesome.  But I wonder at what point am I pushing him past his comfort zone and into being a person he isn't?  This is my biggest fear-is pushing him to change beyond recognition.

Why am I freaking out about these things?  Probably because, in normal waking hours, I'm mostly 99% certain this is the man I want to marry.  This is the man I want to be with forever.  But darn it- Forever is a lot scarier when you are as close to it as I now find myself.  Being in a relationship like this-is so much about yourself and the relationship with your partner.  I knew the latter- but I never realized how much more reflective of my own personality this would be.  I'm learning about my character flaws and the quirks I have in expressing both how I feel and how much I wish I could be a better person.  I also am learning patience, confidence in myself, and a joy for sharing life.  

I swear- one of these days I will be done with the gushy posts about how amazing he is and how this is changing my life- I just can't help it right now...

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