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Monday, October 18, 2010

In Which: I Discuss Words of a Wanton Woman-Virginity


Perhaps NSFW  depending on where you work-mostly I swear. 

Wow- Virginity now that is a loaded term. Especially when you are sitting on the train, typing this during your nightly commute (which I am) and there's a little old lady looking over your shoulder (would be creepier if it was a man- though we all know the old part is not necessarily a problem).  I sat here for awhile trying to decide what to talk about and how deep to go (wow, that's a pun I was not intending).

I could talk about how I'm practically a virgin considering it's been almost (gulp) three years since I've had sex.  But that's lame, because who wants to hear about my social life (or lack thereof).

No- instead, I'll tell you why it's been 3 years, because the why has everything to do with my virginity or more importantly, who I gave it to.

While in college I fell in love.  I didn't know it at the time, or at least, I didn't want to admit it at the time.  After a series of bad flirting/string along events, I met this guy at a party (for the sake of this blog, I think we'll refer to him as AJ- as he's likely to appear more often).  What started out as friendly banter, ended in a night of him coming out to Steak and Shake with me.  I pursued him and in the end we started seeing each other.  This is the tricky part, because I'm never quite sure how to classify what we were (and for that matter still are) to each other.  We saw each other on the weekends, but it never felt like a fuck buddy type of situation, because we were both really busy, with almost completely opposite work schedules (aside from school).  On the weekends, we belonged to each other (for the most part) spending time at parties or at home together.

I was a virgin.  I told him as much from day 1.  And he was very supportive of me.  I told him I wasn't interested in loosing it to just anybody.  He never pressured me, or made me feel like I had something to prove or that he was impatient.  We stayed up one night just talking about that as a choice, he being much more experienced than I (not hard, I know).

But, a week before Valentine's day, we had gone out to a party and were walking across campus back to my place.  It had been a great night, and when we got physical that night, I decided I was ready.  It's funny because, for as much as I wanted to cherish the memory of that night (you know, the classic trope of candles and flowers and everything else) it's everything that lead up to that  point that I remember and I don't know what it says about the sex we had that night (let me say it was good between us-very very good), about me (I've always loved the other aspects before and after sex so much more), or about the decision I made (Did I regret it? Nope, I've come to decide).

In the end, it's the moments that lead up to that night that I remember.  Stopping on campus, indulging in my fairy tale need to kiss in front of the campus clock as it struck midnight, insisting that I put shoes back on for fear that I'd injure myself.   The moon being full and lighting up the night sky with pinks and purples.   These are the things I remember most about that night, and that I finally felt whole with him.... It's those moments, those memories, that make it hard for me to just jump the bones of any guy-which is why it's been so long.

AJ and I went our separate ways at the end of the year (which we knew would happen since I was leaving the country).  We still talk and sometimes, it feels like we talk more now than we ever did before.   A part of me, still feels so emotionally connected to him.  But more importantly, I just haven't found that picture perfect night to get things started.  I haven't found that guy that's worth the time and energy and memories to invest so much heart into.  Because in the end, as cliche as it sounds, sex is something that I just can't trivialize.  I wish I was that type of girl sometimes (you know when you're watching Sex in the City and getting jealous of all the great mind blowing orgasms you're missing?).  But in the end, I don't have a big enough heart to let pieces get ripped away.  


  1. Wow, that will be hard to live up to. I think most first times tend to be embarrassing or uncomfortable, thereby making almost any other experience better...

  2. Yeah-
    re-reading this it sounds kind of romanticized, which it is. But I honestly don't remember it being uncomfortable or awkward or anything. It just kind of worked.

    Thanks for stopping by, it's a bit weird having shared something like. Nice to have friendly comments.

  3. I really enjoyed reading this. You're a good writer! And although I don't know you-or you me-I am sure you will find someone special one day.

  4. Hi K-

    Thanks for stopping by, I'm new at this open blogging thing (letting others see what I'm writing)! I really do appreciate it. Stick around and we'll maybe get to know each other. Yeah, I'm not necessarily worried about finding someone new. For the most part pretty content with my life at the moment. I'm off to read your post!


  5. Good for you - wait until you find another guy who'll give you perfect!

  6. Hi Megan-

    Thanks for your comment and for stopping by! That's exactly what I want to wait for.


  7. I'm so glad your first was such a great experience!

    maybe while you wait, might I suggest a vibrator? hee.